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HIGH COMMISSION PRESSRELEASE 2013-06-01
Hello my friends / groetjes, jongens en meisjes!
Ahmed Devisser here, from High Commission of Cigarettestan. apologies for long delay in despatches, last few months Pressbureau of Foreign Ministry by bears entirely run. our human staff all arrested were in the Phillipines, trying to sell 200 litre drum of fermented goat urine as hair restorer, and only just gotten released.
Also had I some trouble by Londen, UK Border Force farsearched and gefouillerde mine bagages, therby finding some pillen.
I thought I was yet in the soup, but managed to steer an urgent telegram by King Nosmo, En hoeara! But one hour later, agents say “don’t worry, it is misunderstanding, you can go free to your land” As the King always gets his sin.
As young boy he go to same English publicschool as the baas from Border Force. His Majesty told me it was “all cricket, rugger, jolly good show and other such bollocks, and being careful not to get touched up by the history teacher”
But when I got back to our island, I found His Majesty in a very low mood.
“oh dearie me, son, our nation is in big pickle, and my health not good. (NB:I am not officially the Prins, but His Majesty always calls me “son”)
Every part of my body is paining, I can barely drink my 3 bottles of London porter every night and I cannot sleep. Also, that new young lady at Environment ministry Ms Wang Xiu Lan (王秀兰)who arrives from Singapore onstantly scolds me about my drinking, lighting hookah inside the Palace (I don’t even bring hooker into the palace any more, Cigarettestan has womens rights too today and they are too bloody expensive anyway nowadays),
Perhaps Ms Wang she needs husband? You know I can make arrangements.
(At this point I seriously consider makeing excuss, and even climbing the window out, as some old style Asian traiditions still exist in our nation to this day), I quickly said “your majesty, we are just good friends, and I have yet hair on my head.
Just look near the English royal family, the prins gets married, and soon the sun breaks through the clouds and his head goes through his hair, he goes is bald as coot and looks 20 years older. Also poor old Armin Van Buuren, fast goes he the same way. That goes not well by me.
His Majesty continues: Today we have big problem. All our young folk all emigrating, to become accountants and look after old people in UK or buiild the electronic gadgets in Malaysia. We event had two monkeys sent back by Kuala Lumpur Immigration, they were trying to get to Colchester Zoo in UK ultimately as they hear its free bananas and they get Justin Beiber CDs. At this rate it will only be me left.
I reply “perhaps we should do more for young people? Especially our broadcasting is outdated, we have one MF sender which has been on half power for 10 years and the lamps in endtrap are kapot, and small FM sender which barely gets reception outside de PTT HQ. Also our national broadcaster plays mostly 1950s jazz and socialist propaganda marching bands, even Radio Pyongyang is better than that.
Our television is even worse, we import the crap the BBC and ITV gave up on 30 years ago. Small wonder everyone buys satellite dish and tunes into Singapore. The King Responded : sadly it is true, but how would we afford to replace it! And then he exclaimed “au! My knee and ankel! Bladibasket, I can hardly move”.
So I hit the emergency button, and some soldiers and nurses came back and took him off on a stretcher to Samir, the Zoo Vet (in CT human and non human healthcare is combined).. Samir suggested that though his Majesty has some minor mobility issues, much of it is mental. He discreetly asked “what for medicine, did you get from the Dutch? “The usual” I replied. Samir smiled. I knew what he was thinking but was concerned “should the King be be taking that at his age?” But the good doctor Samir replied – only quarter of a pill for him to start with, I know how strong they are. So his majesty reluctantly swallowed down his pill in sickbay, muttering that “I hope this works, otherwise I will end up just like western people locked up in old folks home”.
Within half an hour, his demeanour suddenly changed. He literally jumped out of his hospital bed, shouting “Allah-u-Ahkbar! It is miracle” and called for his mobility scooter (prudently the usual military escort as deployed, as he drove out of the hospital at 25 km/h. He instructed the soldiers (myself, and Ms Wang too) must follow him to the secret planning room at the Post Office Research Centre.
"Comrades, I have most cunning plan to imrprove our countries global image.Ahmed – immediately fetch the royal cuspadore from the museum, and sell it on the international market." (Ms Wang was also very happy to hear this, as when it was still in use she considered it a unsanitary backward habit would alsways mutter “Cheh!”on hearing the disctinctive sound of saliva hitting metal).
Xui Lan, get as many cute youtube videos of our animals uploaded arrange a trip to Colchester as international student and cultural ambassador. It is just as well Ms Wang speaks good English, as Colchester is not the easiest place to pronounce with a Chinese accent.
We got €500,000 for the cuspadore from a rich Chinese dude in Rotterdam!
His majesty then said “OK now order the best Japanese broadcast equipment you can get – as token of my return to good health I am making peace with the Japanese after all these decades.
And from Europe get us some brand news senders, for MF and Band II, and from China a satellite uplink (we already have an arrangement to use their satellites. and solar panels and batteries too, so everything runs on renewable power.
But be making sure you also get the traditional grams, and at least one British soundcraft desk like that John Peel chap had, I would like to broadcast my special show of progressive rock and worldmusic to middle aged hippies and cannot be dealing with new fangled computer playout system.
We can leave "robot radio" to singapore. I have instructed the Navy to redeploy the small surveillance boat we were planning to monitor North Korea with as a broadcast ship, which will be renamed “De Kwispedoor” (NL: cuspadore/spitton). With satellite upllink it can feed both our domestic senders and internet-streams, so whole world can listen.
And that was a new dawn for Radio Cigarettestan International, once all the equipment was correct deployed.
Our formatting is changed to global EDM music by night, in we have King Nosmo brodcasting live from the Zoo, there is shipping news, Nature hour with Ms Wang, , DJ Motaz’s Islamic Dubstep mix, and sports – football, cricket and kabbadi updates from as far away as Southall in UK.
But after our studio openingparty and a “kings Day blockparty just like in Europe” (which was in traditional fashion with crates of beer for those who were allowed and other treats for the other faiths), one problem remained.
Ms Wang said “aiyaa! Cheh! Empty beer and wine bottle in every corner, even the monkeys at zoo are tidier.”
His Majesty quickly responded.. don’t worry – gather them up and give then to the chaps at the MINDEF (ministry of defence) chemical stores.
Remember we still have 200 l of fermented goat urine that Manilla eventually returned to us.
Get the MINDEF boffins to decant every last drop into the wine and beer bottles, reseal them with labels that look vaguely European , put the whole lot a two crates and send it express courier market as as gift from overseas in time of austerity (with express instructions it to be shared with all) to
- DAVID CAMERON MP, 10 DOWNING STREET LONDON SW1 1AA UK
- BUCKINGHAM PALACE LONDON SW1 1AA UK
Maybe it might even put some hair back on the head of that poor blighter Prince William...
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